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| This isn't the best topic for my first update in 2 months, but I really need to do this.
Lately, it seems that as more and more obstacles and stress befalls me,
the fewer resources I have to work with and rely on when I need
to. The past couple months have easily been the most stressful of
my entire life, and the worst thing is that I've been more and more
alone in my attempts to overcome this adversity. I've lost my
friends, my self-esteem, my family... its starting to feel like I'm
losing my mind and health too... I used to be so strong, but
lately I'm just so vulnerable... Everything has just been piling up
and now I just feel completely broken... It's a completely emo thing to
say, I know, but I just don't know how I'm going to survive the next
few months... Its gotten so bad that we're literally hours away
from getting the new theatre, and I can't feel anything of it...
A very large part of all of this is Allen... He came back from
Germany, and I was hoping and actually expecting to regain the best
friend that I had lost after he had moved, but that never
happened. We used to be so close, practically
inseparable... I don't know if its him or me changing, or a
combination of the both, but its not the same as it used to be. I
mean, the only people that I see him paying attention to are idiots
like Jake and Eric, and the completely fake and two-faced girls that
have inflated his ego since... forever. For the love of god, he
chooses to spend his free time with a fucking freshman instead of
trying to rebuild the friendship that we used to have... Not to
mention the fact that now he prioritizes anything that's willing to screw
him in the slightest over anything else... I think that it would
have been better if he had stayed in Germany. He wouldn't have
had to leave his "true love" Amy, and I wouldn't have expected an old
friend to at least acknowledge my existence...
It seems that Jacqueline is the only real, solid thing that is giving
me happiness right now. Our relationship has flaws too
though... It seems like she's so determined to serve my every
whim that sometimes it feels like its not her that I'm laying next to,
but a lesser thing that exists only to please you. Jacqueline, if
you're reading this, I don't want to be pleased... I just want you...
The worst part about this entire mood is the fact that I know exactly
what I need to do to better myself, but I still refuse to follow through
with it. Have I been living my life how I should, and if I have,
is it even possible to always take the right path? I suppose that
a more appropriate question would be "Why is my initial reaction to
adversity and stress no longer what it should be, and instead an action
consumed by sloth?" Even better yet... what on Earth do I hope to
gain by expressing my low self-esteem to the Internet?
On that note, I'm ending this rant right now.
~The Blind Prophet~
P.S.: Maybe if you keep on my case, I'll have a non-emo post up soon...
| | |
| Holy hell... Its been AGES since I updated!
Well, thank god those emo days are over. I suppose that was just
stress from the show getting to me. In the end, James and the
Giant Peach was a huge sucess, and i'm happy to say that my blood
pressure is now back on the decline. I was going pretty crazy
there during tech and production weeks... Regardless, that show
is outta the way, and now its time to start thinking about
Nevermore! I can't wait to see this show up in lights, and
hopefully stage manage it too!
In other more important news, I've offically off the dating
market! As of Thursday, November 10th, 2005 I am dating
Jacqueline Schifler after a lenghty period of self-doubt. I'm
really glad that we're finally together... I wanted to make a
commitment to her earlier, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to take
full responsibility for my actions involving her yet... Well,
thats all out of the way and we're on the road to happiness together,
hand in hand. It's a little early to make any signifigant
projections about the relationship, but I think that this is meant to
last...
Baby you'e all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it har to believe
We're in Heaven...
<3 10/11/05 <3
Well... i've been up literally all night
working on schoolwork. Yea, it's 5 a.m. on a Monday morning, the
timestamp is correct. Today is going to be a LOT of fun...
Anyway, I need to go shower or maybe get 15 mins of sleep or somthing. Maybe i'll get more up here later if I have time to update.
"We see things not as they are, but as we are..."
~The Blind Prophet~
| | |
| Well, the lack of total emo didn't last long enough... I fear that I
may become another stereotypical blogger in the world of the internet
who does nothing but scream about their personal problems that nobody
cares about... but here goes anyway...
So yea, right bow I really dislike myslef. I'm simply not good
enough, in theatre espically. A lot of people say that theatre
isn't everything, but it really is to me. I have nothing outside
of it other than schoolwork and a computer that I waste my life away in
front of. To me, theatre is just about everything, so I really
get depressed when I start SUCKING at it... At the end of last
year, the company made the decision to elect me as one of their
representatives, but I fear that i'm no good at what i've stepped up to
do, and that I really dont deserve it. Board is usually reserved
for good leaders, people who can make positive decisions quickly and
get the job done while still accomplishing good theatre. I don't
think I can do that in any way, shape, or form. It seems like
every executive decision that i've made recently has been total
crap. I'm the only senior on the board and i'm the least creative
and influential, not to mention the disasters that have been known as
my crews. When reflecting on The Showcase, Charlie Brown, and
what James is turning into, my crews are utter hell to be on and get no
work done in comparison to the amount that we should accomplish.
I SIMPLY CAN'T LEAD. I uess that's whats really killing me, and
has been since i've been able to compare myself to the other board
members. Just look at them! They're all juniors and they
already have mroe skill and respect among the company and Mr. Guay than
i'll ever have.... espically Chelsea. It completly kills me that
she has so much respect and control over everyone in the company, and
that she does it with such ease... All you have to do is compare
our sets between charlie brown and midsummer and its obvious who has
more sheer talent as construction and leadership. It takes me 2
months to build 15 rolling flats and a month and a half for her to
build 3 8-foot tall platforms scattered all around the room! I
can't even hold a candle to it... I'm just totally inferior to
her and it kills me because i'm trying really hard and i'm jsut not
good enough...
Another thing is the leadership... Somehow she manages to get
everything done so damn fast and gain the respect of everyone she works
with. She can even handle the damn freshman for christ's sake! I
just suck and I dont even have the courage to make the decision to
change it! I don't deserve a chair on the board, I dont deserve a
staff position in theatre... I dont' even deserve to be among the
greatness that everyone in theatre offers! Sometimes I wonder how
I became so delusional as to think that I could benefit the company..
I hate being emo like this because it brings forth all sorts of lies...
Just look at 2 posts ago, somthing like 20 comments just because I
chose to be so damn emo... people always flock to depression like tihs
ready to tell any lie they have to in an attempt to cheer someone
up. Well it pisses me off! Just tell the damn truth... I
dont need people to lie to me about how "great" of a person I am,
because its NOT TRUE. Honestly... in the end do the words "you're
a great person scott" even mean anything??? They're not backed
up, they're not true, and they're just siad out of fear of guilt at the
idea of telling the truth. Sure, I may look good on the outside,
but i'm nothing on the inside... That shows in my abilities that I
posess in the most important thing to me, theatre. I'm a liar and
a fake and a phony... and my failure is proof of that...
The saddest thing is that i'm deciding to write all this, deciding to
run with angst rather than happiness. I suppose thats what I hate
myself the most for... My ignorance in decision...
Life is perfect... I exist to fuck it all up...
"We see things not as they are, but as we are..."
~The Blind Prophet~
| | |
| Well, first order of buisness is to sincerly apologize for that last
entry... IT SUCKED. Personally, I hate going on emo trips.
They're just sick calls for attention that is really uynnesisary.
I suppose we all fall at some point, and that happened to be
mine. Just in case you were worried or anything, i've got what
can be mended fixed, so its all good.
Aside from that, HOMECOMING ROCKED!!! The night went as good as
it could go without a date. I got most of the dances I promised
in. (sorry to amanda and kayla, I figure that you guys did fine on your
own  ) We won the game, I threw a
great party, and the dance kicked ass! I couldn't have asked for
a better senior homecoming!
In other news, I really miss Allen... I really wish that he was
still going to Avondale... I'm so busy lately with theatre and
homework and Nino's that I barely have time for my friends, much less
myself. Allen's been so good to me, and I know that its tough on
him coming back and being so far away from Amy... and I really wish
that I was there like I used to be... He's my best friend and we
hardly ever talk... I've gotta fix this soon.
I've discovered that listening to the song "Amazed" by Lonestar when
not deeply in love can have somewhat negative effects. For some
reason, sappy love songs such as it act as a very effective catalayst
in the process of descending into a depressing thought pattern.
Said simply, the single life is only entertaining for so long.
Worst of all is that I have the nerve to complain about this when there
are several girls that I know of with crushes on me. I keep
saying that "I'm looking for someone that my heart chooses," but
its starting to sound like BS that I feed myself to feel like a
slightly better person. Maybe its logic, maybe its madness, but
as long as i'm the Blind Prophet, i'll never know. Love rocks, a
weak mind totally sucks!
So, I noticed tonight that I havent been able to mentally or physically
rest in the part 2 weeks. School + AP classes + theatre + the set
+ homework + work at Nino's = NO TIME. I think I need a day to
just lay down and sleep or chill with friends, but I honestly can't
afford it. I'm SO constricted by all this stuff and there's
nothing that i'll even consider dropping. I know that someone
reading this is dealing with the same problem, so help me out here if
you can!
Quick survey/question... I know that i'm stubborn, but how bad is
it? I mean... I have my philosophies and I defend them when
challenged, but am I justified in this or am I just a self-reightous
fool that thinks hes always right? I want honesty out of this
one... I know that a good number of people feel that I'm just an
ingornant ass... so I wanna hear what you really think. For those
of you who have ever had an art cass, this is a critique of a peice of
living art, so I want to hear both the positive and the negative.
For now, thats all. Maybe I should update more often... Until I decide to do so, over and out.
"We see things not as they are, but as we are..."
~The Blind Prophet~
| | |
| Ok, time for a real entry. I'm warning you now, dont read this if you're of a faint heart.
So, WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!? I'm sorry, but I cant stand myself or
my fucking life anymore! There are just so many fucking things
piling up and killing me that I can't fucking take it! I can't
solve a fucking math problem, I can't throw a damn punch, I insist on
only persuing girls that i'll never get, i'm a fucking weakling, i
can't lead worth shit, even in a group that i've been a part of since
freshman year! I mean, the fucking lead staff is probably going
to be ALL juniors, and i'm a fucking senior! I'm inferior to
everyone else on the board in just about every way possible, and I have
a fucking year on them! Sure, I might make stage manager for
MIFA, but its out of fucking pity! Chelsea deserves it more than
I do! In fact, she's already stage managing, and its only the
first show of her junior year!
But fuck all that, thats just the beginning! I'm not even worth
the 300 dollars that my dad spent buying me a suit for
homecoming! I'm probably just gonna sit in some goddamn corner
and wish i had a late like the fucking miserable loser that I am.
What a waste of that money... I dont even have a date to share it with
because i'm just that shitty. If its not because i'm too damn
picky about it, then its because i dont deserve the affection of
ANYONE. Look at all my past relationships! If i haven't
fucked it up and ended it myself, it was fucked from the beginning!
On top of that, i'm an intellectual failure! Sure, I may act
smart, I may even know a thing or two, but when it comes down to it i'm
a mother fucking moron. I can't even handle my damn AP Calc
homework! And in the end, what the hell do I know anyway? I
act smart, and I exploit others and my surroundings to make myself look
"better" than others. What kind of coward needs to do that to be
satisfied with himself???
That brings me to another point. When is the last time I actually
helped someone!? I used to be this great go-to guy for all kinds
of problems... Now i'm just some washed-up wannabe that can't help
anyone with anything at all! I'm suck a fucking jackass these
days that nobody comes to me for help anymore, and I didn't even
deserve people to come to me in the first place. Honestly, how
the fuck am I supposed to help anyone being the pathetic jackass that I
am? How many people ahve I personally hurt, and how many people
have been hurt by my advice??? I've been wondering why I can't
give anyone good advice anymore, and I guess I now know why...
I'm sitting here, practically crying becasue of goddamn homework.
Honestly, what kinda of weakling am I to be pushed over the edge by
schoolwork!? What kind of moron takes a gift like school and lets
it push them over the edge of despair!? ME!
I certantly have the feeling that everything that i've been working for
in my life, intelligence, school, theatre, my friends, an attempt at a
social life, even awarness of my self, is going to be a total failure
if it isn't already. I'm going to fail, at everything, and an
idea like that certantly dosent help motivating me to get out of bed
every morning. Maybe its time for me to stop living a life that I
think is "me" and just slip into my place in the great machine of
ignorance and just live life as the dull, lost, ignorant idiot that I
am.
Look at that... Here I am not even strong enough to uphold the
principles that I held so "dearly" to me. Wishing for
ignorance... maybe I dont even deserve the gifts of "intelligence" and
"awarness" that i've been granted. Maybe... I dont know...
I'm on the verge of just giving up at this. I can't break down,
thats just a useless waste of time. Maybe its time for me to
just... stop. Maybe its time to quit while i'm not so far behind
and just throw in the towel... I'm just so tired of my inadequacy
at this point...
Make me feel better... somehow...
~The Blind Prophet~
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